After every new years I usually feel numb. It's a hard feeling to describe, but for the past few years the holiday season has done nothing more then annoy me. A rant about how capitalism has ruined Christmas is one for another day. I digress. Maybe it's because I feel bitter about not having infinite riches to buy everything I want in the world. The new year is nothing special to me, in all honest is just confuses me. Living life with a dissociative disorder is disorienting, but even more so when you realize it's an entirely new year. My brain still hasn't moved on.
Mentally I'm still in 2016
I tend to have a bad habit of falling back in love with old interests. Don't get me wrong, this is fine on it's own. So is indulging in nostalgia every once in a while. Heck, I LOVE old Ib and scene music, that's all shit from the 2000s and 2010s; but the difference here is I don't actually remember living through those years. A lot of that nostalgia is in the far far past, looking back on the past for a time I didn't live in. I did live through 2016. Like I said previous, OSDD is a pain in the ass but I like to think 2016 is the year my brain started working (or whatever was stopping it from working properly stopped). It's still pretty blurry, but I can remember a lot of things. The shows I used to love, my friends, some events. The issue I have is when I go back to old things I remember it's a regression rather then a step forward.
Why is this an issue?
It isn't for most people. But for me, well. Going back to the past basically opens up the big can of worms that is trauma. To not dive into too many personal details (atleast, not more than I already have), my brain has kind of spit a whole bunch of old alters back at my face. This keeps happening. This would be fine, but, I am not in therapy. I don't have someone overseeing or helping me through this proccess.
What are you going to do?
The simple answer is stop revisiting old shows and media, but I know that's not going to fix everything. I will have to deal with this head first at some point. A therapist is the best solution hypothetially but NHS wait times are quite a lot at the moment (for reference I Ire refered for an autism diagnosis under CAMHS [child and adolecent mental health services] and I did our final assesment when I was already an adult). I need to open up about my issues more. Talking to friends and sharing tidbits of my life here might help towards that.
New years resolutions
To help lighten up the mood, here's what I wanna achieve this year. Firstly, I want to actual focus on learning Japanese. Avid fans will know that I made a blog post about learning Japanese almost two years ago, but I have stopped and started due to mental health and lack of motivation. I'm feeling really passionate about it (mostly because I start rewatching anime I used to watch, hence this issue being a thing in the first place, mobius double reacharound), and I'm feeling more motivated then ever. Secondly, I want to make an animation meme. This isn't really a huge lofty goal but I've never made one before, and even if it's simple, I want to challenge myself to that. I've made animatics in the past, but I only fully finished one. I'm an illustrator more than I am an animator. Finally, I want to actually make an episode of a show. Me and my friends and crafting an object show together and I'm so excited about it. All of my friends have such wonderful ideas and I am so thankful to be surrounded by such creative people. A full episode is a big ask but I will be satisfied with finalized character designs and a finished script. I want to create something bigger than me, an actual story and characters that people can love and enjoy and sink their teeth into just as much as I have done with others.
